Every Emotion Is Okay, Every Behavior Is Not

As parents, one of the most important jobs you have is helping your children navigate the many and varied emotions they feel every day. Regardless of their age, managing those feelings can be overwhelming – this is true for us adults sometimes too! As martial arts instructors, we help navigate emotions all the time on the mat, and through our training with SKILLZ we are able to work with child development experts and advocates to build a toolbox of strategies to help our students.

With that said, we of course aren’t able to be there every minute of the day – at home, school, on the bus, or at soccer practice. That’s why we’d love to share some strategies for parents to use with their children and teens to help them understand that while every emotion is okay to feel, not every behavior stemming from those emotions is acceptable.

Why Emotional Awareness Is Important

Teaching children to recognize their emotions is the first step toward emotional regulation. When kids understand what they are feeling, they are better equipped to recognize their emotions, and respond in healthy, constructive ways. Emotions, whether positive or negative, provide valuable information about our needs and our environment. However, it’s important to distinguish between feeling emotions and acting on them in harmful ways.

Many children, especially younger ones, don’t have the language to express what they’re feeling. This can lead to frustration, anger, or outbursts, especially when they feel misunderstood. As parents, helping your child identify and label their emotions is the first key step to fostering emotional intelligence. While preteens and teenagers have the language to express it, they often feel misunderstood and judged by adults and peers. This frustration with parents and the added social pressure from peers can result in angry outbursts as well stemming from a feeling of overwhelm and criticism. 

Step 1: Normalize All Emotions

It’s essential to teach children that all emotions—whether happiness, sadness, anger, or fear—are normal and natural. Feeling angry or sad is just as valid as feeling excited or joyful. Rather than dismissing or minimizing their negative emotions, acknowledge them. You might say:

– “I see that you’re really mad right now, and that’s okay.”

– “It’s normal to feel upset when you lose a sparring match.”

By affirming their emotional experience, you help your child feel understood and safe to express themselves.

Step 2: Teach the Difference Between Emotions and Actions

Once your child understands that all emotions are valid, it’s time to teach them that not all behaviors are. While it’s okay to feel angry, it’s not okay to yell at friends or family, hurt someone, or break things. The goal is to separate the emotion from the action, and offer alternative ways to respond. For instance, you can say:

– “It’s okay to be mad, but hitting your brother is not okay. Let’s figure out what we can do instead.”

– “Being frustrated is hard, but slamming your helmet and blaming the judges doesn’t help the situation or represent you as the great kid that you are. What’s your plan for next time to control yourself if you lose?”

This approach validates their feelings while setting clear boundaries about acceptable behavior. It’s worth noting that not every lesson needs to come from parents either, though most will. We strongly encourage parents to lean into our coaching team to help students control their emotions, find solutions, and reflect on where they’re doing well and where they can improve. 

Step 3: Lead From The Front

Children learn a great deal by watching how their parents handle emotions. If they see you reacting to a frustrating situation with calm and patience, they’ll be more likely to mirror that behavior. If, on the other hand, they witness yelling or slamming down an item when something doesn’t go as planned, they may begin to subconsciously imitate that response.

Be mindful of how you express your own emotions around your child. Narrate your feelings and the actions you choose to take. For example:

– “I’m really stressed because we’re running late, but I’m not going to speed on the way there. Getting there safely and calmly is most important.”

– “Dad was very upset with Uncle Bob at dinner last night, but instead of lashing out at him at the table, he waited until he cooled down today and gave him a call at lunchtime.”

This helps your child understand that emotions are manageable, and that healthy responses can be learned and practiced.

Step 4: Encourage Open Communication

Creating a safe space for your child to talk about their feelings without fear of judgment or punishment is essential. Encourage them to express their emotions openly by asking questions and listening attentively. For example:

– “It seems like you’re frustrated. Do you want to go for ice cream and we can chat in the car about what’s bothering you?”

– “I noticed you were really down after school today. What happened this afternoon that made you feel that way?”

By showing that you are willing to listen and help them process their feelings, you build trust and strengthen your child’s emotional resilience.

Step 5: Practice Problem-Solving Together

When a difficult emotion leads to problematic behavior, help your child explore more appropriate ways to respond in the future. This teaches them that emotions can be managed, and that they can make choices about their actions. Work through problem-solving strategies with them. For example:

– “Next time you’re feeling really angry, what’s something you could do instead of yelling? I want you to come up with a few of your own solutions.”

– “When you’re feeling frustrated with your homework, could you take a break or ask for help?”

The goal is to empower your child to feel proactively in control of their emotions, rather than being reactively controlled by them.

Conclusion

Helping your child understand that every emotion is okay to feel, but not every behavior is okay, takes time and a whole lot of patience. It’s a process that involves teaching, modeling, and nurturing emotional intelligence. By providing your child with the tools to identify and express their feelings, while setting clear boundaries on behavior, you’re equipping them with the emotional skills they’ll need to thrive both now and in the future. Remember, emotions are powerful, but with your guidance, your child can learn to channel them in healthy, constructive ways.